I remember when I would be praising in church, and a thought would hit me and knock me out of that place of focus on the Lord. Suddenly, I would feel shame and the need to pull away and hide. My arms that had been raised would come down, and inside the battle went. Sometimes the anxiety was so strong, I’d go to the bathroom and fight with my thoughts there. There were other times, early on, that I just left church and went home. This wasn’t the only place that this battle went on, but it was one place that I really did not want it to be.
For years I sought healing. I did experience some big breakthroughs after I gave my life to Jesus at 19, but it only went so far and hit a barrier. Six years after being born again, I slid back. I tried to get what I wanted my own way, instead of waiting for the Lord. I returned to him a short time later, but the issues that were already there were multiplied. Eventually, I came to believe that the mental and emotional torment that I struggled with were just a part of me. Maybe there was no cure. Maybe this was my thorn. Maybe it was just me that was wrong.
It didn’t get better. For years it got worse. A difficult marriage was added to an unhealed childhood. Then, God came in the place of surrender. I was broken, and I couldn’t bring it together. He met me in the place of worship. I must have looked like a one of those who have been in a chimney, in the middle of ash. That’s what I felt like. That’s what my heart felt like. My marriage was killing me. I was seeing my children go through hard stuff. My own childhood was mixing in it. Unable to cope, I could do nothing but worship. It was hard to pray, but when I praised, it all came out. He comforted me. He became my hiding place. Afterwards, I would leave a little bit lighter.
That place of shame would come back again in worship. Then shame would open up to fear. Fortunately, perfect love casts out all fear.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (1 Jn. 4:18)
God is faithful. There is no place that we can go, that love will no go further still. He loves us, and he is patient. One day, again, I was in that place of praising and it happened. This time I was reminded, of when I asked him to come into my life. Prior to that point he knew everything I had ever done, and everything I would ever do after. He once told me that there was nothing that he would not forgive me of. It finally came together. We are deeply loved and cherished.
Now when I’m praising, and those reminders come back of a painful past, I open my arms higher or wider. I am reminded that I am loved, and I offer those things to him to deal with. Sometimes the enemy needs to be told to shut up. Sometimes God may have to heal and deal with our hearts.
The maker of your heart can be trusted above all others.
(The photo above was taken at Maxwell lake in Kansas.)
Melicia Evans 