Forgiveness

I have been a bit slow and inconsistent about this blogging journey. Actually, I’ve been a bit slow about a lot of things. For the next few months, I will be writing here about a roadmap to finding healing. As I look back, I can see specific stepping stones that the Lord led me through.  

The first step without a doubt would be giving my life to Jesus. Without that, I couldn’t have done the rest. After salvation, one of the first things that Jesus lead me through was forgiveness. 

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you (Col.3:13). 

 Forgiving is essential for receiving inner healing, and it can be hard. Yet, God forgave me of so much. I had carried a heavy weight of bitterness on my shoulders from a young age. This weight grew over time and colored the way I viewed everything. When I felt convicted by God to let it go, it seemed impossible. 

I had to choose to forgive many times. When the feelings or memories came back, I would have to do it again. I asked for his help to forgive those who had hurt me. I couldn’t do it on my own. I tried, but there was so much there.   

One Sunday morning, as I sang to the Lord during praise and worship at church, he poured out healing over my heart. He helped me let it go. Years of buildup came pouring out in tears as he washed away the bitterness that I had carried so long. I cried so deeply that it felt like it came from my entire being, clear to my toes.  

I did not walk out the same person that came in. I felt totally new. I have had other hard things to forgive that happened after that day, but that was momentous. Since then, Jesus has brought me many layers of healing. 

Unforgiveness causes us so much more pain than it causes the ones that hurt us. It can look like a sharp foreign object lodged in our hearts. If it isn’t removed, it becomes bitterness, an infection. Out of that bitterness flows a nasty substance that affects other areas of your life that you may not see.  

In my twenties, I was working as a nurse in the float pool at a hospital. One evening, in the ICU, I had a patient with a severe leg infection that required amputation, gangrene. That is one of the worst smells, the smell of dead and rotting flesh. That’s what I believe a bitter heart must smell like. It isn’t pleasant to be around. I wasn’t often pleasant to be around. I’m sure you know others like that. 

I remember the look of fear and distress on his face. I hardened my heart and became bitter to prevent more pain out of fear of being hurt again. Instead of warding it off, it caused more pain. I wasn’t free to fully love or receive love. Instead, I was always guarding and not giving myself fully. The walls I put up to protect myself kept others out. 

Forgiveness was only the first step. Just like I had to come to Christ, repent and be forgive, so I had to forgive as I had been forgiven. It opened the door to more healing. 

If there are things that you are carrying, burdens that are weighing you down, come bring them to Jesus. He will help you release them, just ask. Praying for you. 

(My pokey snail sketch. They are such interesting little creatures.)