He’ll Do It Again

When I was in college, the second time, God carried me many times. I had six kids at home, and was in an abusive marriage. It was so hard, I’m still amazed I made it. Lessons that God taught me in that time, he brings back often.

            One of the most valuable lessons that he taught me, was his ability to overcome our inabilities. There was a class that I was having trouble with that I needed to graduate. It felt like a technological interference. I felt like I had the pieces, but they just would not come together. I struggled with big assignment that was due the following day. It was significant project, worth a good portion of my grade, and it just wasn’t happening. It was like looking at a pile of garbage that I absolutely could not make sense of. I was under a huge amount of stress at home, and my mind was suffering for it on top of this. I know myself enough to know that trying to struggle on through it was not going to help, but makes matters worse. Before I went to bed that night, I gave it to God. I told him that there was no way it was going to happen as things were. I felt stupid, stressed, confused, and crushed. If it was going to happen, he would have to do something. I did not see or know how he could possibly make me understand it, but that was the only way. There were many tears. I had come so far and now it seemed impossible. There wasn’t time to reschedule. It had to get done. I went to sleep crying, but left it with him. If God wanted me to graduate, than he would have to do something.

            The next morning I woke up with complete clarity. I can’t explain how he did it, but I completely understood it. That had never happened before. I got to school as quickly as I could to complete it. I knew everything that I needed to know. I not only did well, but got an A on the project, and then finally an A in the overall class. Boom! God showed up in a mighty way for me. It was not only then, but also many times that I would have a paper or something due and I couldn’t get it all done. I worked as hard as I could, but life wouldn’t allow it for whatever reason. I can’t tell you how many times I got to class in those times, and the instructor said that something came up and the due date was pushed back. Other times the instructor had to miss the class for some reason and the date was moved. It got to the point that I watched for and expected it. He never failed me, not once.

             Today, I am back to that place with my book. It feels sometimes with the battle, that I have been experiencing technological interference. There comes a time when I have to lay it down and wait for God to move in a big way. I know he will not fail me. I prophesy that the work will get done. His words will come forth. Perhaps he is just bringing me to that place of showing me again, that it’s not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit says the Lord. It is time for the interference to go, in Jesus name!

            Sometimes we just can’t cut our to do list down anymore. God may have us doing more things than we have capacity within ourselves to do. If he wants a work done, whether we are in need of clarity or capacity he will make a way for that work to get done.

A Grieved Heart

The book that I am writing is about inner healing, deliverance, and how our identity can be rewritten through those. Saturday morning I was thinking about how we often think of inner wounds as those which have been inflicted by others. We may not think as much, about wounds which are self inflicted, or those due to just doing life. Minutes later I was headed out to my vehicle to leave, and I tripped and fell. My freshly poured cup of coffee went everywhere. My cup went flying, but fortunately, landed in the grass and didn’t break. (It is one of my favorite handmade cups.) I landed on my hands and knee, which then hurt for a while afterwards. To make matters worse, I said something besides, “Praise God”. It wasn’t a swear word, but one we substitute for a swear word, which I’m not sure is a whole lot better. I immediately thought, “Why did I say that?” I recognized my heart in the matter. I didn’t intend to hurt myself, nor did I intend to say anything. “Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.” I want the overflow to bless God, to be Jesus. I don’t feel condemnation on this, but a desire to rise higher, a desire for Jesus to come out at every chance.

            Since then, my knee has been a reminder of the wounds related to ‘just doing life’. People carry physical wounds for long periods from car accidents, fires, and other things. Wounds of the heart are mostly invisible. We may not know or even remember their original source. Sometimes, we can make matters worse, by adding self inflicted wounds in reaction to another wound. It reminds me of a dog that will attack you when you try to help him. I have been comforted by the words of Ps. 73:21-22, knowing that I am not alone.

21 When my heart was grieved
    and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
    I was a brute beast before you.

God sees, cares, and is interested in your healing. When we allow him to heal all those places, we will then be able extend healing to those around us, rather than more brokenness.

The Great Adventure

Over the last year I have had several dreams and visions with a recurring element within them. Honestly, I hadn’t given it a ton of thought until this last week. It was early morning and they all seemed to be laid out in front of me. As they were brought to my attention, I looked across at a great wide-open frontier. Lush green hills were spread out all around. There was a sense of Abraham, adventure, and being sent. The verses, Gen.12:1, & Jos.1:3 came to mind.

            Gen. 12:1, The Lord had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you.

            Jos. 1:3 I will give you every place where you set your foot, as I promised Moses.  

            As I looked in awe at that which was laid out before me, an old song by Steven Curtis Chapman came to mind, The Great Adventure. I had loved the song when it came out. It had been awhile since I heard it, so I looked it up on Youtube. Wow! I was blown away. The land in the video that surrounded was like the land in my dreams and visions. The lyrics echoed what God has been saying to me.

            There were many years, in which I didn’t like much about myself. One thing that I had liked when I was younger, was my adventurous spirit. I had lost that through years of marital difficulties and the hardness of life. I really didn’t expect to see it again. I thought all that had died. Over the last year God has been whispering that back into me, and leaving me completely in awe. I felt like a walking dead woman for so many years. It seemed like a moment of hope might come along only to be squashed again.

            I cannot tell you how many times I have been picked up in this time. Every time the enemy has knocked me down, God has picked me up, dusted me off, and made me to rise up a little bit stronger. He has whispered life to me in the night, in the morning, and in the day. I know how Sarah felt when she laughed when God told her Isaac was coming. I have laughed like that. It wasn’t in mocking. There was a joy in the craziness of it. My spirit grabbed on to it, even if my mind couldn’t completely see it. Every time I tell my story, it doesn’t just speak to others. It speaks to me. My faith burns hotter and brighter at the good things he has done. I’d say the adventure is just beginning, and I’m looking forward to what is ahead.

A Bucket of Water

            I started listening to a YouTube video as I was in the shower. I don’t know why I thought that I’d be able to hear it with the water running. I heard some indiscernible sounds and something like, ‘so much more’ was said. At that point I had an image in my mind of a metal farm bucket filled with water. I felt like God was saying to me that I’ve barely skimmed the surface of what is available to me. Later, I realized, it was not only for me, but for the church. There was an invitation in it. I have seen God do amazing things, many of us have in our lives. I felt God say, “You haven’t seen anything. You’ve barely taken a handful, when there is so much more available to you.” There was a highlight on ‘available’. It is available, open, even wanting to be taken. He is waiting for us to take Him at his Word! He wants to be known more.

            The water was in a metal farm bucket. I asked the Lord, “Why a farm bucket? That doesn’t seem very clean, or holy, or what I’d expect.” It was a clean, new bucket I saw, but still, I don’t equate a farm bucket with those things. Then the thought, ‘What is a farm bucket for?’ It is for feeding. It is for transporting, and giving away for others to receive needed sustenance. As believers, everything that we receive will be given back out. We had a small family farm at one time, of which I honestly didn’t have a huge amount of engagement with, but enough. We didn’t generally use the buckets for a handful, or even a cupful of water or grain. They were used to pour it all out. Then they were quickly refilled and poured all out again. This is repeated daily. There is never a day that they aren’t used, because water and food are necessary for life.

            A farm bucket is also filled as full as you can carry. When the bucket is full of water, it will often splash out as we walk. Water is left on our feet, and on the ground where we walk. Sometimes, when someone is walking close to us, they might get wet as well. Sometimes, two of us may even get together to carry a heavy bucket.

            At first I saw the contrast of a handful of water taken, to the bucket full. That little handful is nothing in a big bucket. That bucket is filled from a source. Now imagine the bucket in comparison to the ocean. There was such an overwhelming sense of something so big and so unimaginable. There was no earthly source to draw a connection from. This is where we stand. We simply cannot imagine what God has for us. This is not speaking of just his blessings or miracles. Yes, they are there, but this is about Him. He is our source, our inheritance, and our portion. I felt that there is a deeper place of intimacy with him that we have not imagined. We are being invited into this open place of availability with the Father. Earthly fathers are not always available, but our heavenly father is completely open and available to us. As we come and richly partake of His goodness, that goodness is going to ‘splash’ out all around us.

            1Cor. 2:9 But as it is written: “Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.”

Power of Prayer

            My husband came into the house to ask me a question. I had been doing dishes, and asked where the boys were. The oldest two boys were only one and two at the time, and were hanging outside with their him. I had no sooner got that question out of my mouth, than we heard a crash. The truck had been pulled into gear, rolled down the yard and into the phone poll across the street. My older son was in the cab of the truck, and my one year old had been standing between the truck and the car trailer attached to it. Both of the boys were screaming, I was freaking out for my kids, and aggravated with my husband. We took our one year old to the ER to make sure everything was ok. There was nothing visibly wrong, but he kept screaming and we needed to make sure that he was ok. At the ER, everything was fine. X-rays came back normal. The only thing we could see, was a few scratches on his little hand.

            The day before, the boys and I had driven to the store 20 miles away. We lived in a small town at that time. It had with very little, so we had to go a ways away for much of anything. As I was driving that day, I had a sense that I needed to pray for protection for the boys. This feeling was the strongest over my youngest child. I didn’t understand what was going on. I wasn’t sure how to pray, so I just prayed in the spirit. I prayed until I had peace. Afterwards, I thought it was odd and just got busy and forgot about it.

After everything had calmed down, I realized what God had done. My husband was an unbeliever, but this was one of many times that he got to see the power of God taking care of our family.

What is in your hand?

In the last week or more, I’ve heard or read the parable of the talents, Mt. 25:14-30, several times, twice today alone. Finally, God got through to my heart. The talent was a measure of money, but I believe we can see it as whatever resources that we’ve been given. That could be time, relationships, gifts, talents, money, and whatever we have of value in our hand to give away.

First, I thought of one of my children, when he was little. Every Christmas, he would be so happy with his gift, that is until his older brothers opened theirs. Then, he would cry and wanted nothing to do with his own gift anymore. He, of course doesn’t do this anymore, though we may kid him about it. We too are often happy with our gifts and talents, until we see someone else with what we perceive as a better gift. That may be fear or insecurity. It may be envy. We need seek God, repent of those things, and ask him to set our heart right.

Second, the servants with five and two talents invested what they were given to multiply them. That may look different to different people and situations. It may require time, education, or financial investment to multiply. How are we investing our master’s resources? This ties right into the third point.

Everything that is placed in our hands, is multiplied by giving it away. We have received from God to give to others. Whatever we have, in whatever measure can be given away, to mature the body of Christ, and to see the kingdom of God expanded. God has pointed me in the direction of many things in the creative. Many years ago, he told me that I was an artist. This was long before there was any evidence of such. A few years later, I would be pushed into that direction for survival. Wounds from childhood and adulthood collided in a traumatic marital situation. God gave me art to express and transport myself when I found myself breaking. That has opened doors for me to share the medicinal qualities of art, and the love and healing of God. Well meaning people have told me that art is a luxury for people who have time and money. I have struggled with many things regarding the gifts that God has given me. I have questioned their worth, and legitimacy, and my worth and legitimacy. The enemy has used numerous circumstances, people, and my own mind have come against the call of God on my life. Be prepared to fight for what God says that he has for you. What are the arguments that the enemy has used to get you to bury your talents?

In Mk. 10:17-22, we read about the wealthy man who went away sad after Jesus told him to sell everything he had, then give it to the poor. He tells his people in vs. 29-30 that whatever we give will come back to us. It will be returned 100 times as much, in this age and the one to come, with persecutions. Why does it come back? It comes back multiplied, so we can give it away again and again. Whatever our resources are, whatever is in our hands to give, give it and enjoy giving it! We know that God loves a cheerful giver.

Finally, there was one more thing about the man who hid his talent in the ground. He was afraid of the master’s response. The enemy doesn’t want to just distort how we view ourselves. He also wants our view of God to be distorted. It seems that he either tries to get people to believe that God is an overbearing tyrant or is ok with anything we do. Neither of these things are true. God is good, he is sovereign, he is faithful, and he is just. We have a responsibility to get into God’s word for ourselves to discover who God really is, and who we are in him. If we struggle, he will help us. He never leaves us to fend for ourselves. He wants for us to succeed. When individuals succeed, the body succeeds. What has God given you to give away?

Remember!

In Dt. 25:17-19, the Lord addresses what the Amalikites did to the Israelites as they came out of Egypt.

17 Remember what the Amalekites did to you along the way when you came out of Egypt. 18 When you were weary and worn out, they met you on your journey and attacked all who were lagging behind; they had no fear of God. 19 When the Lord your God gives you rest from all the enemies around you in the land he is giving you to possess as an inheritance, you shall blot out the name of Amalek from under heaven. Do not forget! (NIV)

Wild animals in search of prey will look for the weak, lame, and weary to attack, as well as the young, and those caring for the young. There are many reasons for straggling behind. In these verses, we know of the harsh treatment that the Israelites had just come out of. There are times in our own lives, when the battles are many, that we feel just too tired and weary to move forward. There may be an actual physical, or mental illness, or discouragement from battle after battle. Every man will have moments in a weakened state, some more than others.

When my children were small, sometimes I would just pick them up and carry them. We may have gone on a walk that required more physical stamina than they yet had. Their attention span may have been all over the place, and we needed to proceed a bit quicker. They may have been tired and emotionally taxed for whatever reason. There were times that they would be required to walk when they didn’t want to. Each situation is different according to maturity level as well as other variables. If I suspected there was any sort of danger, I of course, would swoop in. My children now range up to 22 yrs of age. Obviously, I no longer carry them physically. We are called to ever increasing maturity in Christ. This brings me to verse 19.

19 When the Lord your God gives you rest from all the enemies around you in the land he is giving you to possess as an inheritance, you shall blot out the name of Amalek from under heaven. Do not forget! (NIV)

This has recently been a theme I have been hearing from the Lord. When God brings us through our hard places to our promised land, we will then go back and cut down Amalek. Amalek represents those things that attacked us while we were down, those things that we thought would do us in. It may have been our emotions, physical health, relationships, financial crisis, addictions, fear, immorality, torment, unbelief, or whatever that mountain was or is. We are given a charge and a responsibility to help bring down those things for others. This is where we will make the enemy wish he had never messed with us. Go blot out the name of ‘fear’ (enter your ‘Amalek’ here) from under heaven!

Obviously, this is important to the Lord. Verse 17 begins with, “Remember”. Then verse 19 ends with, “do not forget”. The repetition is telling you, ‘hey, this is important, pay attention’.

So, how do we do this? Like with everything, we first go back to God with it. “Ok, Lord, you’re telling me this. How do you want me to proceed? I am available to you for whatever you desire. Have your way. Show me what’s next.” If you are weak or weary now, I pray for God to give you strength and encouragement, as well as healing so you can go out and share whatever you have, in whatever means you have. Feel free to reach out to me for any specific prayer.

Skydiving and Focus

In my younger teen and tween years, my dad took up skydiving as a hobby. The weekends that we went to Sky Sports were good weekends, with my soon to be step siblings. There was lots of room to run. We watched skydivers prepare parachutes for jumping, played foosball, went into the old airplane observation tower, and other explorations. You had to be 18 to jump or 16 with a parents written permission, so for my 18th birthday, I finally got to jump! While I was adventure loving and chance taking (yes…you can be an introvert and enjoy a good adventure), when it came time to jump, I locked up. I did it, but I didn’t do it the way I was supposed to.

In the morning, I had taken the required class. Their were various tips and instructions given of course, but there was one that stuck out to me. We were told that when you are near power lines or another area that poses a danger, keep your eyes focused on where you want to go. Your body has a tendency to automatically shift in the direction that your eyes are set.

We were told that the winds would be about 70mph as we exited the small plane. I was not mentally prepared for just how windy that is. Then, when we were nearing the place to exit, I wondered what I had been thinking to voluntarily jump several thousand feet with nothing between me and the ground besides a backpack full of cloth. But, there I was. I had gotten that far. I knew that I could not live with myself or others, if I did not go through with it. I ended up getting out of the plane late, letting go late, my positioning was off, and then getting my left arm tangled in the ropes of the chute when it opened. Once my arm was untangled, there was a brief moment of awe at the scenery. Then I noticed where I was headed. Below me was an old rusty pipe yard on one side of the road, on the other side was power lines. In the middle was a hi-way. I did not see a good place to land. I was completely off course. The safest place that I could see was the ditch on the side of the road, so that’s where I focused my eyes. It was a small area, but the other options were not good. I ended up landing in the middle of 56 hi-way on Father’s day. Fortunately, I landed correctly and only skinned up my legs a bit. A friend of my dad had broken her leg on a poor land. Upon landing, I stopped traffic in both directions.

That lesson has come back to me many times recently, with personal life battles. In perilous times, it is important to keep our eyes on Jesus.

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

7 The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.

I am thankful for that experience, as well as many others in my life that did not turn out as I had planned. God is faithful. Even when we are faithless, He is still faithful. He has watched over my life, amidst many struggles, hurts, and confusion. He has brought me through much and continues to do so. I was not yet serving him at the time of that jump, but He was there. Be encouraged. Look up. You will follow where your eyes are fixed.

Sitting Together

Today I’ve been missing my step dad. He’s been gone for several years, yet there are still days that I think about him more. It led me to recall how I would like to go the house, just to hang out and sit with him for a while. Sometimes he’d tell me crazy stories about his past or something he had heard or read that was interesting. Sometimes I’d talk his ear off. If he wasn’t interested, at least he’d usually act like he was. Sometimes no one said anything and we’d just sit in the kitchen together, or go out in the yard. I had been told a few times that it was hard to believe that he wasn’t my real dad, because of personality traits that we held in common.

I don’t know if I would have those traits if it weren’t for him. We are much more that just a group of genetic traits. The people and experiences that come and go leave marks, impressions, and even shift us from other possible directions or outcomes. Whether the relationship be good or bad, it has power to change at least bits and chunks of our lives. It could change the entire course. We have the power to leave good marks upon people’s live. We don’t always know who those people will be.

It’s funny how people tend to see their tastes and preferences as individual to themselves. I can see how many of mine have been cultivated by various experiences and relationships. I don’t know why my step dad didn’t write down some of the stories he told me.

The way I would sit in the kitchen with my step dad is how God would like for us to just come and sit with him. I can just enjoy His company. There is no pressure to perform any certain duty. It is just the relationship between a Father and his child. If you did not have a good parental relationship with your dad, as I did not have with my birth dad, you can still come sit with the Father. He can heal that too.

Grief and Healing

As a teen, and even into young adulthood, I often responded in destructive ways to pain. There was an unrest and even torment within me that would not go away. Though I tried with the usual means of mind altering chemicals and intimate ‘relationships’, these were not effective, and ultimately caused more pain.

I gave my life to Jesus at the age of 19, about a year after an abortion. My life was so broken by various life occurrences and my responses to them, that I thought I’d never get free. Recklessness and self-destructive tendencies continued in other ways after that for a time, as did the guilt with them. Emotions can get out of control, maybe more so in very sensitive people and those who have been through various kinds of abuse. The words of David the psalmist, in Ps. 73: 21-22, have brought comfort to me many times in working through those emotions.

Ps.73: 21 When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, 22 I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you (NIV)

David found himself to be in a humbling position more than once, and yet he is still called a man after God’s own heart. The Psalms are full of the ups and downs of a man pouring his heart out to a loving God. Don’t be afraid to come to God. He knows that we are but dust. He offers hope and healing. We do have to give an account for our choices, but A broken and repentant heart He does not turn away.